It's been too long since last I wrote. I was feeling incapable of writing the types of things I'd set out to write; incapable of delving deep and coming out on the other side, better for it. I was plenty capable of the dive--of going to that dark place that is all too familiar--but I lacked confidence in my ability to come back into the light, so to speak. To be honest, I'm still not sure I can do that. I'm going to give it my best try, though.
I'll admit, I've got a glass of wine next to me. It seems when I've had a little bit to drink the words flow, not better, really, but more readily. Sometimes that helps.
Often, when emphasizing the positive aspects, I feel like a hypocrite. Here I am, in that dark place, talking about the bright side of things and not really feeling that there is a bright side. I do that with my therapist from time to time (ok... often) and I feel like I'm faking it. But... fake it 'til you make it, right? I'm not so sure about that, but I keep doing it. A part of me believes that if I convince other people that I'm thinking positive (and more accurately, feeling positive,) it will eventually be true. I can't tell if that's a good or a bad thing. Am I denying my true feelings by trying to put them in the best light? Perhaps. I suppose only time will tell.
I know I sat down with the intent to write something more substantial than the above ponderings, but now I can't think of what that something was. So, for now, I'm just going to end here and hopefully come back tomorrow (or maybe even later this evening) with something better.
